This week's headlines can SUCK IT!

Dearest Readers,

The irritation this week's headlines is causing me can only be summed up precisely so: cockroaches crawling inside my ears, gnawing through the drums, and proceeding to take a dump in my cochlea. It's only hump day and I'm ready to put on crimson lipstick, hog-tie myself, and roll into my pool.

The Earthquake:

The fact we know the earthquake "struck" at exactly 1:42:14 PM EST, and lasted 30... er 20... no wait 10 seconds sickens me. Come on! NO ONE WAS HURT. The kind of frenzy the media is inducing about this mere VIBRATION seems a bigger deal than the guy who was arrested in Toronto today for possession of explosives. Let me tell you something journalists, Ontario's 5.5... NO WAIT, WE STAND CORRECTED... 5.0 is a FAR cry from Haiti's 7.4. Nothing happened!! We lay on a major fault line and it was bound to happen, so if you were surprised about this natural ...event (I wouldn't dare call it a disaster), please retake to grade 9 Canadian geography. I don't want to hear another word about this!

Michael Jackson:

I understand, accept, and respect the shock of Michael Jackson's passing last year. What I have no patience for is the double-, triple-, and quadruple-dipping into multiple revenue streams the entertainment industry has built around it. As it has been nearly an entire year since the King of Pop died, memorials are becoming all too frequently promoted on TV, radio, and the internet outlets. It has become so artificial and numbing that MJ would be moonwalking in his grave if he knew what we've allowed to happen.

G20 / G6:

It's pretty cool, I'll admit, that the world's most powerful leaders are meeting in my city this week. On the flip side, I don't think anything can compare to the insanity that has become downtown Toronto. In an attempt to make the midnight madness sale at Ikea last Friday, Diego, Claudia, and I left the apartment at 10:15 PM, and the car ride which normally takes fifteen minutes got us there at 11:15 PM. We were horrified! If that's not bad enough, they spent ridiculous amounts of tax payers' dollars on metal walls, water cannons, and some "fake lake". What's even more annoying are the rabid activists who believe so strongly in their causes. Why do all these people have that CRAZY look to them. Perhaps if they shaved, plucked, shampooed, and went to the dentist, they'd get their points across. Instead they choose the cheap pirate approach and come off like a bunch of poorly educated societal outcasts. The degree of their hygiene "looseness" leads me to believe it would take several water cannons filled with Cascade dishwasher detergent to wash these maniacs clean.